Today as I sat feeding Levi his fruits this morning I think I realized something most parents have been telling me, yet I failed to understand their sentiments. I’ve watched as Levi has grown over these last nine months and I have seen bits and pieces of myself; how he sleeps with one arm behind his head, how his face muddles when he cries, how sensitive his feelings can be, how he laughs, how he’s inquisitive of things (or nosy). None of this is to say he doesn’t harbor attributes from Carrie in these very actions but I definitely see myself.
When Carrie and I started talking about having a child, I was not necessarily for it. I definitely had my reserves. I admittedly am too selfish; I like my time, money, and things. However these things that I am selfish for, I realized, are going to the side as I take the time I normally spend time on myself to spend with Levi.
When folks would tell me it would change my life, I believed. I just didn’t think it would be in a good way. I felt a child would take me away from the things I love. However, these things were not necessarily replaced, a child equally brings the same joy, although a differing type of joy.
What I realized is that my selfishness was in things that were inanimate and had no life, feelings, or mortal existence. They were just stuff. As I sat there and fed Levi, I realized those things I once could not do without sat around and it didn’t actually destroy my world that those other things were not getting done.
My main realization was that a relationship with “things” can not equally add up to a relationship with “someone”. Especially if that someone is someone who you had a hand in creating as well as that someone having attributes from yourself. You might actually say it’s the epitome of selfishness; to spend time with a creation of your own that acts and looks like you. Inanimate objects can never fulfill that level of selfishness.
Just the fact that I can have a relationship with my very own creation, watch it grow, laugh with and love that creation, enjoy and sorrow with that creation. The very fact I can relate with my creation is the very thing that has changed my whole outlook on children. That is not something that could have been relayed to me through information, only through experience.